In a mere two weeks, my life is going to change quite a bit.
I will be leaving the job I have held for over two years. I have built myself up in this job, held every responsibility for my station, and made it known that I was the one to talk to when there was a problem. I have a work family who cares about me and I care about them. It sucks to leave them.
The day after I leave my job, I will be flying out to be with my fiance for two whole weeks. Then we’ll come back home for a week after his training is done. Then for another week we will travel to his new base and attempt to find somewhere to live.
My world is slowly unraveling to be woven into something completely different.
And tonight I cried during our Skype call. I didn’t mean to, but we were talking about how I still have his pillow and even though I’ve washed the pillow case several times since he left, I can still smell him on the pillow.
Now that may sound hella creepy, but for those of you who can relate to me on smells, you know what I mean. I identify people by the way they smell. You know what I mean- every time you walk into someone’s house, there is a very distinct smell. And most of the time, you identify those people with that smell. It’s 99.9% of the time a pleasant smell.
His pillow still smells like him and it’s wonderful. And it made me cry.
And not just one of those, “Oh, I can’t hold in these few stray tears” crying. Full out sobbing.
And of course, I am not one of those pretty criers. Red eyes and cheeks, my nose gets stuffy, my lips even get swollen. It’s not pretty.
I was thinking later though, of this concept of why I was crying.
Now I’ve cried because I was hurt, and angry, and betrayed. I’ve cried from pure sadness from losing someone close to me and I’ve cried for my life that I have to leave behind.
But to cry because you love someone so deeply that being apart from them is just unbearable has been an all new concept to me during our relationship.
Yes, I have cried because I broke up with a boyfriend and being apart from them in the beginning is hard. But this…
To express your longing for someone who loves you just as deeply as you love them through tears is new to me. Not brand new, but the realization of the concept is new. I had never really thought about it before tonight.
And I took comfort in that. I didn’t cry because my heart was broken. I didn’t cry because I had lost something or someone. I didn’t cry because I was angry at the sitution.
I cried because I am so deeply in love with this man who is to become my husband that being apart from him for any span of time is painful.
I have never felt this deep of love for anyone before.
And that makes me so utterly happy.